April 27, 2007

Now There's a War Worth Fighting!

From White House Surveillance Tapes 07-952 and 07-953.
Speakers: Cowboy and Karl
Timeline: 11:23 p.m., April 1, 2007
KR: Yeppers, Mr. President, imagine this: the aliens are attacking, and we have to meet a threat to the planet.
CB: What about the wall? Dangit! Where's Rags? Is the bunker prepped?
KR: Uh, hang on there, sir. Just bear with me for a second, sir ... it's not a real attack. Look, I know, I know. The whole Eye-rack thing hasn't been the PR bonanza we envisioned ... who expected the public to care about the causes of the war so soon? I mean, they didn't start deconstructing Pearl Harbor until the 70s!
CB: Goddamn videotape.
KR: But look, here's a can't miss proposition, sir. It has everything! Scary enemy, ready-made promotional materials, the potential for truly massive equipment expenditures, even a global mandate if we handle it right!
CB: Go on.
KR: It's so plausible. People are ready for it. Every time things get a little dicey ... a little ecological collapse, economic disintegration, political turmoil, yadda yadda ... the aliens are right there, ready to take over. It's a familiar situation ...
CB: Yeah, right, familiar sitcherashun.
KR: Good try, sir. Try to concentrate ... So here's the lowdown: some smartass reporter who actually reads (who knew?) finds this book by a couple of moonbats in Arizona with initials after their names. They claim to have developed a defense strategy for the planet against (get this!) ALIEN INVASION.
CB: Hehehehe!
KR: You got it! You seeing it, sir? It's frickin' brilliant! Want to piss off Putin? Claim those missile batteries we're planting on his border are to defend against SPACE ALIENS. They have NOTHING to do with the Russkies at all ...
CB: Hehehhehe!
KR: Need to drop a few megatons on Ahmedinnadouchebag* in Eye-ran? No no, sir, it's the OTHER "eye-place", the one next door. That's right, the one with the Eye-atollahs!
CB: Ummmhmmm?
KR: Well, look, we just visit Tehran with a few B-2s some afternoon and Hell, just blame it on the SPACE ALIENS!
CB: !!
KR: It can't lose, sir.
CB: ??
KR: Now all we gotta do is scare the crap outa those NASA weenies. Have them "discover" that the aliens'll be here in - what's good for you, sir? - 17 months? "Martial law to fight the Martian Menace!" ... it writes itself!
CB: I dunno. Won't someone want to see the aliens? I mean the WMDs and all ....
KR: Heh! We've got 50 years of Hollywood to draw on!
CB: Er, um ....
KR: Okay, okay, you sleep on it, sir. We'll keep this one in the can for now, but consider it as a contingency, okay?
G'night, Mr. President.
Sleep tight.

* Thanks to Bill Shatner for the moniker!
Note from Muninn! Click on post title for backstory-Thanks


Basil said...

Red, I honestly believe that you think the reasons for the current war are
all made up. Fine, you're welcome to your erroneous opinions. And I would
be the first to back your right to express them. But a few of us recognize
the current situation for what it is: The War on Civilization. You might
prefer the company of lotus-eaters, but a few of us are still sober enough
to see the situation clearly. Modernity must win over the barbarians from
the 7th Century. The Hobbesian alternative is too horrible to contemplate.
And the stakes are exactly that. There is no coming to terms with this
enemy. No co-existence either. For God sakes, man, sober up before it's
too late.


muninn said...

Great Idea.We can use the frozen space alien bodies we have in cold storage at hanger complex B,at Wright-Patterson AFB. Not even Hans Blix could screw this one up.Those B-2s are so 1990's. We should use the Saucer Platforms that we reverse engineered from the Roswell Crash. Plausible deniability Guaranteed. Heck, in 17 months we can probably clone an army of new aliens if we steal enough embryoes for our super secret stem cell research project. Just give the contract to Haliburton as usual,and we can steal all the oil and blame it on the space aliens. Those warp drives really violate the CAFE standards. Then, when it's all done, we can tell everyone that the aliens had to leave earth cause its getting too hot for them to stay. Mwahahaha! I think we can get Algore to help us on this one. Make sure we have enough batteries to keep him running for another year or two. If anyone finds out about this we can use the Men In Black to disappear 'em. If it gets leaked to the press or the Dems we can always go to plan B and blame it all on The JOOOOOOS!
P.S. You read way too much Frank J. for a Lib. I may need to denounce you. Dont make me get my airbrush!!!

Aethelred said...

At least someone got the joke!
BTW Muninn, I had my nounce removed years ago, so you can keep your airbush stowed away in the grotto.
Baz, "sober up"?!!? Is this same drunken Polish dwarf I knew? Cowering in fear from ICBCs*?
Come on, dude.
Indeed, modernity (as in crusaders with guns instead of clubs) MUST win over the barbarians ... our ammo is much more effective, and (judging from the past six years) we have the ultimate political weapon at our disposal: the ability to cloud men's minds.
Anyway, keep those cards and letters coming in, children. We in reality get a kick out of them.

* Intercontinental Ballistic Camels

muninn said...

Flaming Ad Hominum attacks on fellow bloggers do little to advance your arguments or support your version of reality. Please stick to ideas, not insults. I believe you could restore your credibility with a prompt apology to all concerned(that includes anyone reading this blog).
Sincerely, Muninn

Aethelred said...

Muninn, you are correct.
Quid pro quo is hardly fair, when one is dealing with the fragile, vulnerable psyche.
Why should I take offense?
So sorry.

muninn said...

Thank you. I do see the quid pro quo aspect, but some things are just beyond the pale.

Basil said...


Red won't apologize, nor should he. His responses are a perfect
illustration of where the Left goes when it can't win the debate. Let be.
We need a foil. So I'm a drunken Polish dwarf, eh? Red, that's Mr. drunken
Polish dwarf . . . and patriot, to you and your ilk.

Do you really believe that a village idot can make it to the White House
through family contacts and nefarious schemes by corporate America? Well,
yeah, our current president is the son of an aristocrat. Running nations is
what aristocrats are supposed to do. Look up the Greek roots of the word
and you see a combination of "rule by" and "best of".

Now let's apply a little bit of logic. Do you think there's an airforce in
the world that will put a jet aircraft in the hands of a moron? Jet
aircraft don't come cheap. There's a hundred support troops for every pilot
in the sky. If our current president was as dumb as the press claims, he
would have been buried in an administrative position to wait out the war.
But like his father, George Jr. actually flew the damn things. Someone with
a sense of perspective might believe that a pilot shot down over the Pacific
in WW II (that would be George senior) might actually ask his son to win
respectability by mastering flight school. Okay, so junior was a party boy.
Who didn't chug, inhale, snort or sniff during that time? Nobody I knew.

Then George "went into business". He was a partner in the Texas Rangers.
Damn that rich kid. I was dragging electrical cable through fourteen
stories of a building on Wisconsin Avenue during that period. You see, my
dad had connections in the construction biz. I got the position because my
dad knew people. Am I suppose to believe that Dubya's dad wouldn't do the
same for him? Or I might believe, maybe, that a certain undergradate from
the Univeristy of Maryland, didn't land a job at The Washington Post through
merit? Maybe dad had a bit of pull. But that's what dads do. It's what
their supposed to do.

And then George Junior defeated Governor Anne Richards. Must have been a
fluke. Right. Some people are just sooooo lucky that they can defeat a
savvy politician like Anne Richards because the native populace is just too
stupid . . .


But it was all Halliburton. Big Oil. Must have been. Yep, Dick Cheney is
behind it all. Dr. No is trying to take over the world. I want to know
why, if Halliburton is behind this whole nefarious scheme, why there are no
hearings before Congress, no independent investigations, and not a shred of
evidence from the media to indict Halliburton in some sort of wrongdoing.
Umm . . . lack of evidence seems to me an indication that there's no
wrongdoing. Profiteering? Maybe. If you think profiteering is a sin, I
suggest you run a search under keywords: "Civil War" and "Carpetbagger".
Okay, maybe it ain't right. But at least the practice has a pedigree.
Simple greed is logical. Plots to take over the world are . . . the stuff
of fantasy.

Oh, for the sake of the thousand mad gods that rule the earth, Basil! What
about weapons of mass destruction? Umm . . . I'm not sure where they are.
But let's review the record. Saddam had them. How do we know? He used
them. Saddam dropped gas on the Iranians before he used them on the Kurds.
What did Saddam do with them before U.N. inspectors demanded access to
weapons and production facilities? Dunno. WMD were there, and then they
were not. So the war is a fraud? Oh, please . . .

Nobody knows where the WMD are today. It doesn't mean WMD didn't exitst.
We know they did. Why didn't Saddam surrender either the weapons or the
data that might have exonerated him and preserved his regime? Dunno.
Saddam's last words during negotiations were inaudible. If memory serves me
right it was something like "gaklegrmmphmph."

Finality has a certain charm. It's . . . umm . . . final.